Ve haff vays of making you drink

I just love the tongue in cheek advertising by my local brewers Shepherd Neame.

These are popular all around Kent and the Germans love 'em.

Every once in a while I intend to post a picture or article depicting something quintessentially English.

Here is today's delight.

Mm mm mm

Ok you New Labour voters

So this is what they mean by free speech, is it?

Come on you Bantams

It seems that the Zimbabwe football teams recently visiting our country returned to their homeland a few players short.

They should blend in well in Bradford.

Will probably be in next Saturdays eleven.

Lies, lies and more lies

I heard one of the funniest jokes of my time today. But definitely not funny ha ha.



Who are these murdering bastards trying to kid? Granted they have not killed or maimed any innocent women or children lately, but does everyone honestly believe that after decades of hostilities against the British government, they have seen the error of their ways and decomissioned ALL their weapons .

Of course they haven't. They enjoy murdering people under the feeblest of pretexts. It is like a drug to them and they are hooked.

And there are those two pious wankers Adams and his sidekick goon, McGuiness telling all those gullible souls that armed conflict is now history.

Watch the news and see how long it is before someone is kneecapped or worse by these murderous scum who hide their faces behind masks. Oh such brave lads they are.

Go crawl back into your stinking holes you shits and stop trying to kid the world that you will be good little boys from now on. If the government ever brings back hanging for these wankers, put me at the head of the queue for hangman. I would gladly make them swing and I would not wear a mask either.

Just chuck it in the bin

Is this the brains behind Blockbusters video rental company?

Putting unwanted DVDs into a bin in the door is all well and good.

But BABIES?

The bubbles are rising

Now here is some good news worth reporting.

West Ham hold the once mighty Arsenal to a goaless draw and establish themselves up to fourth position playing good entertaining football, as is the West Ham way.

Two points dropped there then.

"Come on you Irons"

Now where's that hurricane?

Oh weren't our news people disappointed.

Hurricane Rita failed to live up to their hopes.

Apart from some of the Cajun communities of Louisiana, most of the immediate population got off quite lightly compared to Katrina. And didn't that just piss off all the news crews who were sent there to report on the 'devastation' that never happened.

Tell you what guys, instead of rushing back to your cosy television studios, take the next flight to India and report on the terrible rains happening over there now where so far, eight people have died as a result. Oh but I am forgetting. It's only India. Not good copy.

Give us all a break BBC, ITV, Sky et al and report some good news going on around the world. There must be some somewhere.

Hats off to the Brigadier

What heartening news to see that Brigadier John Lorimer sees no reason why the British Army should apologise to Iraqi authorities for the rescue of two undercover SAS troops caught by the Iraqi police and handed over to insurgents.

It is now blatantly obvious that the majority of Iraq's security forces have been infiltrated by terrorists and the probable outcome would have been a horrible death for these lads if the Brigadier had not acted properly.

If I was serving in Iraq, I would feel a lot safer knowing that officers of this calibre were responsible for my safe being.

Cheers Brigadier. I had a pint for you last night.

The Sun, Mirror or Star.

So what did we see on tonight's six o'clock news?

The sight of millions of people in Afghanistan going to the polls?

The U.S. and North Korea agreeing to a new deal over nuclear arms?

Pretty earth shattering stuff, eh.

No. The whole nation is agog that an overpaid and talentless bimbo has been dropped (shock horror) by one of the leading fashion houses for sniffing some coke.

The end is nigh. We are living in a tabloid world.

N.B. See blog title.

What went wrong?

Here once more we have a good example of the "we’ve got to blame someone" society that we live in.
Four competitors on the Great North Run unfortunately died during the event.

"Who is responsible for advising runners of their training regime?"
"Why weren't people warned about the forthcoming warm, humid conditions?"

For fucks sake people, their deaths were nothing more than a tragic accident. No more, no less.
These guys knew the risks of long distance running and I am sure their training was up to the required standard. If it was not, that was entirely down to them.
Why in this politically correct world do we have to apportion blame to every single untoward incident?

Let us all make a combined effort to revive that underused word,

ACCIDENT

An Englishmans home........

Like a good Anglo Saxon that I am, I have joined the ranks of true Englishmen/women by enlisting to the Witanagemot Club.

A club formed primarily to campaign for a true English parliament and to attempt to maintain everything that is great about England.

While I was signing on, I thought I would put a link on my blog to the Plain English Campaign. Something else that is close to my heart. As those of you who have been kind enough to stay longer than a few seconds and read some of my drivel will have observed, there 'aint a lot of boring long words infesting my posts.

"Why say excrement when shit will do?"
"Why say genetalia when bollocks will do?"
"Why say multiplication when times will do?"

Get my drift? Oh and yes, I do like to regularly us some good old Anglo Saxon favourites, because I truly believe that this is the best way to express myself.

When somebody calls me a twat, I know exactly what they mean. The other day I was referred to as an obnoxious idiot. Prick would have done.

So if you want to continue reading some plain speaking, please pop in and say Hi. All are welcome (unless you're a prick of course).

Fit as a fiddle?

Today Mrs K and I are off to check out the brand new fitness club soon to open not far from us. Hopefully this one will not charge an arm and a leg plus several other limbs for their services.

We'll see.

At last

Since Wednesday morning when I very nearly stumbled upon some rather liquid crap that poor old Barney had deposited on our lounge floor, the old boy has been pretty sick.

Although he seems to have been fine in himself and eating normally, what has been projected out of his derriere has the appearance of very smelly mud and to make matters worse, he threw up his dinner on Friday night. Thankfully, I think that was the worse of it and this morning we were presented with a good solid turd.

Oh what joy to see our old mate once more back to his usual solid crapping self.

And what a relief about not having to take him to the licensed bandit commonly known as the vet.

Mrs K. wanted me to post a picture of the aforesaid turd - I think not. But for those of you who want to see it, I can oblige (I will not hold my breath).

Men and Lesbians only

So you think you know your way around a woman's body, do you?

Check out this game to find out.

Pitiful? Mrs. K thinks otherwise ;)

What would Nelson say?

If there was ever one piece of modern art that was in the wrong place, this was it. It's not the subject matter I object to but the fact that Trafalgar Square does not seem a fitting place. And it is only going to be there for eighteen months, so why don't they plonk it outside the Tate Modern.

Obviously this sculpture has been erected to appease the PC crowd. Surely it should be an image of a handicapped, black, Muslim, lesbian, vegetarian who enjoys field sports and looking after her several children alone whilst living off benefit in her council flat.

Or am I just being a cynical old bastard?

Swallow that Humble Pie

Well aren't we all feeling a little foolish today?
Yes, I am talking to all the panic bosuns out there who queued up for those last drops of fuel before the country ground to a halt.
It didn't happen, did it?
You blocked the entrance to my house for fuck all, didn't you?
Thanks for nothing.

"Get upstairs............NOW"

It's about time this little boy was sent to bed early with no tea.

What a wanker.

A little piece of advice to Wayne 'Shrek' Rooney.

"Buy the DVD of this years Ashes series and watch how the players respect the umpire you little shit."

Get off his back

Does anybody in the world, apart from Mark Steyn, have anything good to say about George W. Bush? Being married to a staunch republican myself, I now see things a lot more clearly through her eyes.

Our news channels grab every opportunity to knock George W. and his party. And I mean every opportunity. The BBC and ITV have been simply orgasmic over Hurricane Katrina and the terrible outcome. Every night we are subjected to 'gobs on sticks' (real journalists words for news presenters) hammering the nails in harder over the chaos that was is New Orleans et al.
This type of behaviour from my countrymen is not reserved for shellshocked U.S. presidents. Oh no. I am ashamed to say that the majority of our media take great delight in getting the story, rather than obtaining the facts. They are famous for building up persona's and once they have them up there, they take equal glee in chopping them back down to earth.

Personally, I am not at all politically minded. I believe most politicians whatever their country, party or gender are in it for their own means, whether it be the power it gives them or just all the perks they can take advantage of.

When I vote, it is for the party that shares my ideals and not for the colour of their rosette. And yes, despite believing that our government is basically full of bent bastards (and I do not mean gay, but then again....), I will always vote as is my right.

I would like to think that I can and do make a fair assessment of most arguments. It is only reasonable to try and see both sides of any dispute, but all too often I see people believe exactly what the media want you to believe and rant and rave about the alleged wrongdoings of sometimes completely innocent people.

I have been and always will be a great admirer of the Hon. Margaret Thatcher because she stuck by what she said more than any politician before or since. Some will say her stand against Argentina when they invaded the Falklands Islands was to save her political career. Maybe it was, but she pulled the whole (well nearly all) the British nation together in support of her decision to send a task force to kick their arses back off. But even then, our wonderful media had the knives out at every opportunity. And eventually they were instrumental in her fall from office.

This is why I feel quite sorry for George W. at the moment. Any leader of any country be it the U.S. or Faroe Islands has a bloody hard job to do and my hat goes off to them, well maybe not President Mugabe, but that is another story.
So back off all you Bush bashers and give the bloke a chance. He sure 'aint perfect, but he is all you've got for now.

Oh yeah and I think Prime Minister Blair is a bit of a wrist job.

"Come on you irons"

What a day yesterday was for me. Not only did we deservedly win the Ashes, but West Ham hammered those Brummie boys from Aston Villa 4 - 0 last night 'live' on satellite.

I thought I had died and gone to heaven.

Bad light my arse

What is it with all this 'bad light' nonsense so freely exploited in today's modern game?
Only up until recently I was regularly involved in our wonderful game of cricket. No, I was no Freddie Flintoff or Shane Warne. Just an amateur player getting out every weekend to some part of this green and pleasant land.
I have played cricket in the pouring rain amidst thunder and lightning.
I have played cricket when the pavilion lights are on.
I have played cricket with puddles in the outfield.
More often than not, I batted at 10 or 11, which meant the re-introduction of the oppositions fastest bowlers to 'wipe up the tail'. I never wore a helmet and my only protection apart from the obvious box for the cosseting of wedding tackle and pads, was a thigh pad. In all my years playing I faced some pretty mean bowlers. If you were hit, it was considered your own fault as you had a perfectly sound piece of willow to protect yourself with.
And as for bad light.
I can not remember any game at all where we came off for bad light. Everyone just played on until the end, no question.

Seeing Stars

Definition of Astrology:

"The study of the positions and aspects of celestial bodies in the belief that they have an influence on the course of natural earthly occurrences and human affairs."

My definition of Astrology:

"What a load of bollocks"

My reasoning is backed up by my 'stars' as predicted in todays Sunday Telegraph.

"How often does the opportunity come along to make a real difference in someone else's life? Very frequently, would have to be the answer. But not this week"

Which basically contradicts itself and says absolutely nothing. Now I don't hold any sway to this sort of mindless drivel, but like most people I'm always curious to look to see if I am coming into huge amounts of dosh or any other advantageous temptations coming my way.
The guy who writes this goes under the mantle of 'Psychic Psmith' and he amazingly gets paid for producing such crap. I'm in the wrong job, obviously.

Every picture tells a story

Enough has been said about Katrina without me sticking my oar in, but just take a look at this pictorial evidence of before and after .
Says it all really, doesn't it?

Whatever happened to the Knotted Hanky

A sight all too rare, in fact non - existent is the knotted hanky.
Remember the sight down the beach of Dad with head in hanky and trousers rolled up to the knee?
Why aren't today's alpha males adorning this ritual attire?
History records that this manly fertility symbol had the ladies swooning with lust.
How could any hot blooded woman resist that seemingly innocuous sheet of material with just a hint of bogey crisped up on the edge? Combined with a small flash of pink, hairy leg betwixt bottom of rolled up trouser and the top of standard issue long (usually grey) sock.
Men knew how to attract the fairer sex in those days, didn't they?

Oops, doghouse time

Whilst playing with my new fangled toy the other day (see last post), I inadvertently wiped all of Mrs K's lovingly downloaded tracks.
Gone and never to be seen again.
It had taken her several hours to compile this wonderful collection of her faves of which she was proudly chuffed about.
When your passed fifty, new technology has a habit of reminding you how out of touch you are with it. My problem is that I get so impatient for things to happen that I start clicking on buttons that I shouldn't.
Move over Barney.
Is there room for two in the doghouse?

Cloth ears no more

The other week, I grabbed a bargain off e-bay. I became the proud owner of a 512Mb MP3 player. At last, this old scrote can download all those old sixties and seventies hits and stroll down nostalgia avenue oblivious to all that modern racket that the yoof of today call music.
You can't beat the old toons, can yer?
So I signed up to Limewire. This is one of many file sharing websites on offer on the internet.
That search engine was alive with artists of the golden era of pop as I downloaded all my old faves.
Days of bliss whilst bopping to those old classics and then a thought struck me (I get the occasional one). I was getting bored to listening to all those old bands bashing out the hits that all the sad old bastards like me listen to.
Time for some radical action here.
I whiped the lot off and downloaded dozens of previously unheard of (by me) tracks by all the new and up and coming bands of today.
My listening pleasure now consists of (to name but a few)

• Kasabian
• Franz Ferdinand
• Greenday
• The Killers
• Pennywise
• Papa Roach
• The Kaiser Chiefs
• Gorillaz

and many, many more.
And do you know what, dear reader? I don't know what I have been missing. My lugoles have been opened up to some great sounds.
So come on you old farts out there. Put away those well worn LP's (remember them?) and take a peep at some of these young bands today. You will be pleasantly surprised.

When will they learn

I was rather surprised and a little shocked to see that the Japanese government saw fit to erect this statue of a Kamikaze pilot to commemorate their war dead.
You may think it is sited in Japan. Dead wrong there. They have the insensitivity to have parked it at Mabalacat airfield in the Philippines where the first raids took off, in the hope that it would attract Japanese tourists.
Sod the feelings of the local Phillipino's then.
I think it is about time the whole world stopped this glorification of war.
It 'aint nice. It's messy. It's bloody and it's a waste of time, resources and most importantly of all, lives.
What was gained through both world wars?
Your right.....fuck all.
I am no whining liberal and I would defend my country at the drop of a hat if called upon, but go overseas at some politicians behest just to settle a score or slap someones wrist?
Not this old sea dog.

Coming down

Phew! What a trip that was.

I have just returned from Cloud 9. I went up there on a wave of euphoria when we whupped the Aussies to go 2-1 up in the Ashes.

It is a while since I last reached such exalted heights. I should go up there more often. Up there, you meet people who are equally ecstatic over things like e.g. Great Britain getting the Olympics for 2012 or experiencing two consecutive days of sunshine.

I met a couple of Formula 1 fans that were celebrating the demise of that once unstoppable Michael Schumacher.

Some West Ham devotees who were just 'over the moon' that the Irons were back in the Premiership.

My missus joined me for a while after I had eventually got around to planting some flowers in the garden. Even our dog Barney briefly visited when he finally caught that fly he had been after all morning.

Yes, I thoroughly recommend going on Cloud 9 occasionally. That surge of adrenaline is a pure tonic.