The annual chestnut harvest

Oh how I love Autumn. There seems to be an abundance of chestnuts this year. Maybe that indicates a hard winter. Who knows? The squirrels loss is my gain and there are plenty for everyone. I will be munching on these tonight whilst doing a superb impression of a couch potato.

Shepherd Neame given the finger

Here's an article in our local paper that made me chuckle.

"Shepherd Neame has removed 'risque' wording from one of its beer adverts following a complaint which has been upheld by the Advertising Standards Authority.
The advertisement for Bishops Finger Ale showed a woman in a low-cut medieval costume sitting provocatively on a bale of hay."


I don't know what they are complaining about, for years this delicious ale has been affectionately known as 'Nun's Delight'

Full story here...

Murder in Royal park.....

This story today really touches the heart. There was this pigeon going about his business in St.James park. You know, meeting his pigeon mates, pestering tourists and shitting all over the place, like pigeons do, When all of a sudden this pelican waddles along, scoops him up and swallows the poor bugger whole.

Bloody foreigners. Even our pigeons aren't safe.

Full story here...

Gnome heaven

Walking through the wood the other day, I was amazed at the amount and variety of toadstools/mushrooms that had pushed their way through the leaf litter. The conditions are ideal I suppose with this damp atmosphere. Unfortunately, I didn't have the camera with me. Next time I will and hope to get a few shots off.

Watch this space.....

Meal for one, anyone?

Mrs K has just flown off to the other side of the pond for three weeks. I am back in the land of bachelordom (I just made that word up).

I can eat what I like.
I can eat when I like.
I can wear what I like.
I can fart at ease.
I can shower for as long as I like.
I can go up the pub every night if I choose.

All these things I can do without fear of repercussions from 'she who must be obeyed'.

But you know what?

I'm missing her already.

"Got a light, Sir?"

According to an article in today's newspapers, pupils as young as fourteen at Tinshill Learning Centre in Leeds can have a fag without being crafty about it. Only if they have a note from their parents though. But here is the good bit. The teaching staff are not permitted to smoke. Apparently the new policy is meant to help pupils stop smoking and reduce confrontations with teachers.

A spokesman for Education Leeds said: "We do everything to support our young people to make healthy lifestyle choices. Unfortunately, a number of young people who attend Tinshill do smoke and sometimes we have to take a special approach to a very serious problem.

"Their smoking did not begin at the centre and is not encouraged or condoned by us. We have introduced this trial to help them move from their dangerous habit towards a smoking cessation programme. This follows guidance from health professionals by bringing the problem out into the open, informing parents and carers of their child's habit."

What's that all about? They are depriving these poor urchins the thrill of that crafty fag behind the bike sheds. The surge of adrenalin as you light up within spitting distance of the enemy (Mr. Hall the R.E. teacher). The panic as the sound of heavy footsteps approaching necessitates much hand flapping to dissipate the smoke. Accordingly, the sale of Extra Strong Mints will plummet.

See blog title.....

Designer babies

So Madonna has got herself some free publicity once more. What level will this woman sink to? The latest must have fashion accessory it seems is to swan about with a third world child on your arm. Sorry, on your nannies arm. God forbid that they will be seen with a puking, screaming shitting machine when the camera's are present.

Jan Moir puts it much more eloquently than me.

read on.....

Out of Europe

For those of you who like me are fed up to the back teeth of Brussels trying to run our country and our lives.

Are thoroughly pissed off with faceless, overpaid bureaucrats determining our laws and customs.

Bloody annoyed with political correctness motivated by people alien to this wonderful country, England.

Check out 'speakout' and add your name to the majority of people in England who want out of Europe.

What a lovely lady

My faith in human nature has been restored. Well, for a little while anyway. I received a letter the other day from my insurance company informing me that as I had cancelled my direct debit for my car insurance, I was in arrears and the sum owed must be paid by the end of the month. I would also incur a £25 penalty charge.

"BASTARDS"

And then I thought.

"Wasn't I checking my bank account the other week and isn't there a possibility that I deleted my car insurance payments?"

After a quick check, I had indeed inadvertently binned the direct debit concerned. Yet another Senior Moment in my life.

A groveling phone call ensued, where I told a sob story with such feeling and sincerity, Shakespeare himself would have been proud of my performance. The lovely lady not only laughed at my feeble attempts at self deprecating humour, but actually waived the £25 surcharge as I had made a "genuine mistake".

I could have kissed her. I didn't catch her name, but the wonderful woman manning the phones on the 'its4me' helpline should just take a minute to congratulate herself on making a silly old sods day that little bit happier.

"Spam & eggs. Spam and beans,. Spam spam spam spam spam"

Is it me, or am I the only poor soul who is under severe spam attack?

I currently use Mailwasher to infiltrate and bin all spurious emails that I receive. Your selected spam is blacklisted and bounced back to the villainous little shits that sent it in the first place.

Over the last couple of weeks I have received an increasing amount of offers to enlarge my penis, improve my lovelife and buy Viagra in bulk for a discounted price. I am pretty certain I require none of these advantages offered to me so they get bounced. But still they keep coming.

Does anybody out there know of any (preferably free) software available that stops this crap, at source?

Spooky, or what?

It has been a challenging day, today.

I cocked up at work, which could have pushed the defence budget over the edge.
Whilst wrestling with an obstinate glue tube, I succeeded in squirting said super glue all over my jeans.
Received a letter informing me that I had an overdue payment on my car insurance and that they are charging me an extra £25 for being a naughty boy. I had inadvertently cancelled the direct debit. Another senior moment.
Could not get through on their "24 hour help line" and when I eventually did, you guessed it, I was put on hold for the next millennium.
Our internet connection keeps dropping off.
Suspected phone plug as the internet fault. Bought a new one. Even worse. Put the old one back. Works a treat.
Walked outside and promptly trod on one of Barney's finest (turds that is).

But am I bitter?

You're bloody right I am.

And if anybody smugly informs me that it is Friday 13th, I shall "skweem, skweem, skweem until I am sick".


By the way. I crawled under a black cat this afternoon, so I think I am alright now.

A day out in the city

I have had a week off this week and on Wednesday Mrs K and I traveled up to the big city for a day out and this time, we took our own grub. The price of food in London is horrendous. Just a couple of sarnies with coffee/tea would put a serious dent in the national budget.
So with my knapsack on my back we took the 09:54 to Victoria. Not wanting my lug'oles to be assailed by several trilling ring tones and shouts of, "Yeah, I'm on the train", I wisely had Eric Clapton soothing me on our forty five minute journey.
On arrival, straight down onto the tube to Lambeth North via the Embankment.
We love traveling on the tube. The fact that once on the platform, within a couple of minutes you are being whisked away to some far flung corner of London, is very satisfying. And it is so easy, though Mrs K would dispute that.
Our destination was the Imperial War Museum. Now I had last visited this place when I was a young strapping lad who was still in awe of the second world war. As we stepped inside, I immediately started reeling off the names of all the exhibits in the entrance hall.
Spitfire, Sherman tank, 8mm Howitzer etc. etc. These were all the things I grew up with when we used to play war games.
The highlight of the museum was the Holocaust exhibition situated on the top floor. This is a must see for anybody and I would recommend the youth of today come and visit this exhibition.
It doesn't do any harm to be reminded of mans inhumanities towards man. The pictures, artifacts and letters are compelling viewing no matter how shocking.
Strangely they have put an age limit of fourteen to visit. I think you can never be too young to see this.
We were so engrossed, that we didn't have time to visit the Victoria & Albert Museum, which was our intention, so we took our time and walked back to Victoria Station along the Embankment opposite the Houses of Parliament. A beautiful sight since it has been spruced up.
We sat for a while beside Westminster Abbey and people watched. Everybody is in such a hurry in London and aren't there so many strange types?
A man with grey tousled hair and a magpies feather in it rode by. A battered old candlestick strapped to his bike. He rode with great purpose. The man deserved a medal for riding a bike in London as far as I'm concerned.
Once on the train, I was shocked to realise that I had lost a channel on my MP3. Eric was only coming through one ear, so I had to endure "Yes, I'm on my way home now" from several wankers who felt compelled to shout to their beloved ones continually about the state of their day/journey. They can't have anything to talk about when they get home. It's all been said on the bloody train.

Back home. Knackered. We're not getting any younger and it shows.

What price religion?

The recent, but unfortunately, uncommon incident over in the States with those poor little school girls has once again prompted discussion over gun law the other side of the pond.
With Mrs K being a member of one of our former colonies, this entails some interesting discussion.
She argues that.
"American citizens have the right to bear arms to defend themselves" and she also adds that "If they didn't use guns, they would use something else, like a knife for instance."
Now this is where I believe the argument falls over a tad. To actually, physically thrust a knife into living flesh is a lot different than pulling the trigger of a gun.
Sure, there are incidents recorded of these events, but they are minimal compared to gun deaths.
The man was a nutter, that is obvious. The world will always have nutters prepared to do inexplicable things to other members of the human race. As a member of that club (the human race, I mean) I have to accept that these people exist and we will continue hearing these appalling stories once in a while.
My heart goes out to the Amish community that this incident has obviously devastated. These are a peaceful people who live their lives to a strict doctrine and I have no problem with that, but once again, the root of all this death is religion. The perpretator of this crime said he was "angry with god".
Maybe we should ban all religions? Look at all the current and past confrontations that are fought over conflicting beliefs. Too numerous to mention.

The darker side of Autumn

There are a little known band of insurgents around our way who are rarely heard of. They are usually more active around this time of the year.
The time of the year when the days are getting that little bit chillier and you find yourself slipping a jumper over the T-shirt when going outside.
Summer flowers are shedding the last of their pretty heads.
The trees lose their leaves like I lose my memory.
Political parties have their annual mutual back slapping farce.
Days are getting shorter and the shops are filling up with Christmas (aarrgghh!!!!) goodies.
This is the time of the year when the wood elves are at their most mischievous.
I kid you not and you may well indeed mock, but open entering that feared and mysterious dark place called East Hoath Woods beware the elves at work.
Last week it was an acorn.
Yesterday a sweet chestnut was the preferred weapon of limited destruction i.e. a few brain cells.
You know that Autumn has indeed arrived, when foreign objects pepper your bonce from above, courtesy of the wood elves.
I know it's them because I never catch sight of them and I am sure I heard some giggling when the spiny chestnut hit its target.
They cannot hide forever.
My day will come..............(much cackling ensues).