The sun has got his hat on.

They forecast a sunny week at last. Coincidentally, I have five fabulous days off work.

Yippeeeeeee....

How long before the drought orders and hosepipe bans?

My Simpsons debut

Yes, I am now a movie star.

This is me strolling through the carnival.

Maidstone River festival

We strolled along the banks of the Medway yesterday watching people messing about on the river. The fun raft race was a sight to behold and it was a joy to see so many people relaxed and enjoying themselves.
The Maidstone River Festival is held annually and gets better every time. Boats come from all over the south-east and beyond and judging by the amount of booze we saw stashed on these floating bars, they all partied well into the night.
The event culminates in a firework display over the town which we unfortunately couldn't stay for.

Here are some more waterborne idiots.

Send in the clowns

I'm fifty three years old and I'm getting excited about going here for pity's sake. I think my brain was wired up in reverse.
I now know why the circus is in decline. They charged me £57 for the three of us (two big 'uns and one littl'un). That's a lot of dosh to watch people falling over and generally acting the goat. Mind you, the russian girl who robbed took my cash had lovely eyes.
Can't wait.

Ex boxer shot in face for asking a bloke to put his fag out.

After reading this, I wonder where this country is going.
But didn't the government in the aftermath of the Dunblane tragedy ban all hand guns to stop this sort of thing from happening?
It appears that is de rigeur to go out for the evening 'tooled up'.

The "Great Flood"

It makes me want to puke when I see those sanctimonious, condescending wankers on the early evening news reporting at the scene of the "Great Flood". The presenter on last nights ITV appeared to be creaming his jeans at the thought of this tragic event.
Why do they have to state the obvious?
"Here we are in Tewkesbury where it is eerily quiet".
Well of course it's bloody quiet. There's no power, drinking water and people, unless they have grown gills. And to think, these tossers are probably on fifty grand plus a year. And of course, our 'caring' PM hops on the first passing helicopter to survey the poor bastards homes floating down the Thames, Avon etc. What good is he? Making those usual promises politicians make to appease the masses. Seven years ago, Lewes in Sussex was hit by devastating floods and our government 'promised' them that they would get defences built to prevent a repeat washout. Seven years on and Lewes is still waiting.
Maybe we should give Bob Geldorf/Bono/Madonna a call. Get them to organise 'Flood Aid', 'cos the unfortunate victims of Mother Natures wrath sure as hell shouldn't hold their breath waiting for the government to cough up.
My heart goes out to all those poor people whose homes have been devastated. Thankfully, 'darn sarf' we have been spared their plight and I live on high ground also. If I get flooded, the 'Big Smoke' would have to be several feet under the oggin and the politicians would never allow that to happen.

Changing my name to Noah

It's raining - again.

Why do I have this urge to find some high ground, build a boat and fill it with animals?

Bouncing camera

We found out on our recent holiday that cameras do not perform so well after being bounced. The little preview screen on my trusty, but rather tatty, 'Olympus brio' is now blank and refuses to function. At last, an excuse to buy a new camera. What a nightmare. Have you looked at what is on offer in the digital camera world? It is mind boggling. Unless you have a degree in quantum physics, there is no way you can decide on what you really want. I finally opted for an Olympus FE-170. Why? Because I liked the look of it and I could get it £40 cheaper on eBay.

P.S. AArrgghh.... I have since discovered that my old faithful camera still works perfectly well. Apart from the little screen that is. Oh well.

P.P.S. My new toy takes good piccies though. Don't you think?

The wonders of management

A month ago my department (they are actually called "cells". What's that all about?) had a change of middle manager and like all prats with a very high opinion of themselves, he wanted to make "alterations" to "improve productivity and efficiency".

Yesterday we had five rows of two work benches and today we now have three rows of four work benches.

Brilliant.

This cost the company the loss of a mornings work by myself and five of my colleagues due to the upheaval, plus the expense of outside contractors to the tune of £10,000 (yes, £10,000) because Health and Safety dictates that there is no way that we could do it ourselves. Apparently we are not insured to get involved in manual labour.

Monday we will all be altering said benches to something to what they were before this brainwave occurred. Another mornings work lost.

British management.

Don't it make you want to cry.

P.S. The two extra benches didn't slip past you, did they?

Gorillas have feelings too

Yesterday I had a very humbling experience. Mrs K, little K and I went to visit Port Lympne wildlife park in Kent. Now, I am no lover of animals kept in captivity, be it a 'wildlife park', zoo, whatever. As far as I am concerned, the best place for wild animals is in the wild. Yes I know endangered species have a better chance of survival in captivity, but that is another story. If I could sow that seed for conservation of our animals in their natural habitat to an impressionable twelve year old, then it would be worth the trip.

Port Lympne, in its defence does a lot to introduce species back into the wild. Part of the Howletts parks, they are well renowned for their conservation ideals. So, I wasn't feeling too guilty.

It was when we came across the gorilla enclosure that I experienced something that I will never forget in my life. Mrs K and littl'un had moved further around the cage whilst I stopped to look at a large silverback sitting quietly on his own and it got me wondering what he was thinking about sat there behind bars without any supposed worries in the world. I mean, food wasn't a problem and nobody was going to shoot him for bush meat or just as a trophy. He had tyres and ropes and several levels of the enclosure to explore and stimulate him, but I couldn't help thinking, "but he isn't free, is he". And then our eyes locked. Those huge beautiful brown eyes looked straight at mine and I couldn't help but feel a great sadness for him and his like. It made me ashamed to be a member of the human race to see this fine beast subdued within a cage.

I felt moved to speak to this proud animal and actually apologised for his predicament.

He looked at me with his sad eyes, scratched his arse and farted.

Nuff said really.