I could not believe my old eyeballs when I read this article by Simon Heffer in today's Telegraph.
If you want to get nicked, get a hat.
I don't need to tell you what the greatest scourge of our times is. As you all know, it is old ladies. The older they are, the more evil and criminal they tend to be. And the really truly shocking ones are easily spotted, for they are inevitably found to be wearing that ultimate symbol of violence and depravity, the hat.
So full marks to the Hereward pub in Ely for spotting a mile off an obvious troublemaker, 82-year-old Betty Wilbraham, when she pushed her luck, took a diabolical liberty, and attempted to enter their premises wearing a titfer.
As the pub pointed out, public safety could properly be preserved only if Mrs Wilbraham removed the hat. She could then be easily identified on security cameras when she started to break bottles and smash the place up - as old ladies like her inevitably tend to do.
Mrs Wilbraham, rather perplexed, says that she always wears a hat, and that her late mother "wouldn't have set foot outside the house" without wearing one. So what they say about criminal dynasties is clearly true, then.
What next? The banning of zimmer frames?