African fast food

Picked up this cool clip from Mark's Things.

Mary Poppins has a lot to answer for.

Last weekend I discovered that Great Britain is not the only country that is passionate about that iconic symbol of phallus, the umbrella.

Mrs K and I traveled to Brussels for the day. The weather was inclement to say the least and upon the advent of yet another shower, there they sprung. Like fresh seedlings emerging up into the dull morning skies they stood erected.

Pink ones, blue ones and ones with tassels on. They sprung up every fucking where. And you know what dear reader, there should be a government warning issued to each and every one of those inconsiderate bastards who don't watch where the fuck they are going.

The umbrella in untrained hands is indeed a lethal weapon. Forget WMD. If you walk down the street towards a couple of old biddies 'met umbrellas', start praying. The least you can expect is an eye out. These airheads seem totally oblivious to the fact that they are wielding an offensive weapon. I would rather play hopscotch in an Iraqi minefield than try and negotiate my way around a gaggle of the 'blue rinse brigade' aimlessly wandering around plucking the occasional eye from it's socket. And I can pick my own nose thank you very much.

"England expects....."

For those people not familiar with our shores, today is Trafalgar Day.

On this day we are commemorating the great victory by the glorious British fleet over the combined navies of France and Spain off the Iberian coast at Trafalgar.

Have a tot of rum for Horatio Nelson, God bless 'im.

In short, we kicked their arses exactly 200 years ago, but I'm not gloating......

Oops. Am I allowed to say that?

Brussels here we come

Tomorrow we are going on the Eurostar to Brussels.

So think of us getting up at around 5 o'clock to catch the 07.20 from Ashford International Station.

Neither of us have ever been to Brussels, although I have had a few visits to Belgium over the years. I vaguely remember a trip to a local beer festival that ended in one of my mates fusing all the lights in the bar whilst slightly inebriated.

We should arrive in the city at 10 o'clock (their time) and if it was left to Mrs K, we would be heading for the nearest chocolate shop, closely followed by the tobacconists. I shall have to keep her on a tight rein.

Yesterday we perused the local W.H. Smith for a travel guide. You know the thing. Places of interest to visit, bars to drink in and of course the best place to tuck in to some good old moules et frites.

Out of the dozens of books on show, there was one on Belgium which was priced at £11. You can forget that sunbeam, we'll make do with a local guide when we arrive at the station.

As we will have been on our plates all day, we have decided to return via First Class. Just a little treat for ourselves and why not? We will be wined and dined as we are whisked back to good ol' Blighty.

The digital camera will be with us, so I hope to get a few good pics.

Snow Magnolia & the Seven Gnomes?

According to the Coxheath Players, the PC police have decreed that it is now illegal to perform that well loved pantomime, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

In order to avoid upsetting the physically challenged, they must now be titled "The Guardians of the Forest".

"Gnomes" is also acceptable.

I do not hold out much hope for the ugly sisters.

See blog title.....

Real food

Today we did our little bit for the battle against the huge supermarkets. We visited our local farmers market.

I find as people veer towards eating more naturally produced food, these markets are becoming more popular. Granted you pay a little more over the odds, but at least you know what you are eating as all the produce is grown/reared on the local farm.

We came away with a nice joint of pork belly for tonight's dinner (mmmm, crackling). A rack of pork ribs and some wild boar sausages which we have never tasted before. Cannot wait.

Real free range eggs to be scoffed with real streaky bacon. The joy of these markets, is that you can often taste their wares.

A farmer who rears bronze turkeys purely for the Christmas period was offering tasty chunks of fresh turkey meat. Delicious. I think I know where we will be getting our turkey this year.

The market runs on the third Sunday every month and we have promised ourselves that we will be there every time.

Waiting for the lights to go out

Reading this article in today's Sunday Times was rather unnerving.

Imagine for one minute what life would be like without water on tap. No electric light, TV, Burger King and aarrgghh!!!!, no car.

But eventually, life will resort to this form of living when the oil runs out. And run out it will, though thankfully not in my lifetime.

Without the dependence of fossil fuels, the planet would slowly grind to a halt. Yes, we will have harnessed natural energy sources by then, but the power produced by solar cells, wave and wind energy to name a few, would barely scratch the surface of what oil gives us today.

Without sustainable energy, instead of spending a large proportion of our waking life stuck in front of the box, we will have to devise ways to entertain ourselves. Well they used to do it before Logie Baird stuck his oar in.

Blogging would be non existent and we would have to write letters which would take several days to reach their destination as the postie will be on horseback or worse, Shank's Pony. Remember writing?

We would be forced to drink real ale brewed the traditional way and dispense with the frothy, gassy shite that is passed off as beer nowadays.

Come to think of it though, life wouldn't be so bad after all.

No crap TV.
No shit food full of preservatives.
No traffic.

Think about it.

What's the panic

All we hear on the news recently is the possible forthcoming bird flu pandemic. Our wonderful media are tripping over themselves in the rush to whip up as much hysteria as they can.

FACT:
Only sixty (60) people out of the millions that populate this planet are alleged to have died from this avian virus.

FACT:
There is no concrete evidence that the strain affects humans in any way.

Yet here we are telling people to have jabs. From what I have read and correct me if am wrong, the only animals who are likely to suffer are the poor birds. This reminds me of the time several years ago when the news was broadcast that all eggs produced in this country carried the risk of salmonella. That old slapper Edwina Currie was responsible for devasting the egg industry in this country with her flippant remarks which were not supported by the relevant authorities at the time.

Don't these people realise the damage that they cause with these spurious outbursts? Only time will tell if they are right or wrong, but my money is on the latter. After all, the tragic Pakistan earthquake is now no longer headline news, so they try to goad the unsuspecting public into a mild panic.

I do believe that the great British public have more sense.

Gaspers beware

Here it comes folks.

Yes, they've managed to bar it from public places and now that last retreat for the sucking of coffin nails is under threat.



Please re-arrange these words to form a well known phrase.

"civil, infringement, liberties, of"

Smoking in boozers has never really bovvered me, especially as I am a long term non - smoker. It wouldn't be the same without those ashtrays of stale stubs nestling against the odd discarded peanut, would it?

What else has the present government got up its sleeve to make life more miserable for us long suffering law abiding citizens?

Ban the drinking of tea?

This paranoid country

I did enjoy reading the article penned by Mark Steyn in today's Telegraph.

He sums up better than I can the gradual degeneration of our society. Mainly caused, in my opinion, by the media itself.

I do particularly like the reference to the Cross of St.George and the Crusades.

read on....

The will of Allah?

Mmm. I am surprised that nobody has claimed that the tragic earthquake in Pakistan was the result of the wrath of Allah for all the recent atrocities performed in his name.

Seeing that the vast majority of terrorists are trained in Pakistan, it does make you stop and think.

Doesn't it?

Another male bastion slipping away.

They have gone too far this time.

I am all for equality of the sexes. If a woman wants to work down t' pit, that's fine by me.

But to invade that unique symbol of manhood, the garden shed is taking the piss.

So come on ladies, keep your hands off our sheds. Some of our greatest ideas manifest themselves whilst pottering about.

It's not as though we deprive you of your cooking and cleaning which we know you love.

It just 'aint cricket you know.

Party conferences

What is the real point of the annual party conferences held in those cosmopolitan towns of Blackpool and Brighton?

Correct me if I am wrong, but it is patently a mutual backslapping piss up. Is anything actually achieved at all?

The Tories (bring back Maggie) this year used it as a platfrom for their forthcoming leadership election. David Davis promptly sent many members to the land of nod and David Cameron surprised a lot of people and is now coming up on the rails on the favourite. Kenneth Clarke I believe has left it too late in his political career. The others? Who gives a shit.

The other Tories New Labour proved once and for all that the Nanny State prevails and gave us an insight into what it must be like attending communist rallies in China and the like.

The Liberals huffed and puffed and as usual failed to blow any houses down, bless.

So there we go then until next year. I bet you cannot wait.

Is there a clandestine reason why they pick the two towns that are considered the gay capitals of the north and south for these shindigs?

Just a thought.

Mariah's moaning - again

SEXY singer Mariah Carey is furious airlines won’t let her beloved dog Jack fly first class with her.

The diva was left fuming after she was informed her Jack Russell was “too big” and not famous enough to join her in the executive cabin.

She told Glamour magazine: "They actually won’t let me put him on a first class seat because he’s too big.

"And they also said: ‘We’d only allow it for a famous dog.’ Please! He has three websites dedicated to him!"

The deranged diva is at it once more.

What planet is this woman from?

What's the odds?

I have just discovered that we are entering a hazardous time of the year.

Each day I walk our dog Barney in the local woodland, where every weekend I let him off his lead so that he can charge around like a mutt possessed and thoroughly enjoy himself in a dog kind of way.

Today was no exception, although I sensed a change in my surroundings. And then it hit me, literally. Smack on my old dream box. A rather large and very spiny sweet chestnut had at that exact moment decided to launch itself from it's lofty height and score a bullseye on me bonce.

Now for those of you who have never experienced a nut on yer nut, it bloody well hurts.

Why me?
What had I done to deserve this unprovoked attack from above?
Was it the squirrels using me as target practice 'cos I let Barney chase them?

Well I just rubbed my throbbing pate and moved on. Until that is, another prickly missile grazed my left lug'ole. Now I am starting to get paranoid. The chances of twice being struck by a suicidal chestnut must be fairly long. Maybe the woodland spirits are angry with me for allowing Barney to piss up every tree in the wood? Who knows? Tomorrow when I venture into their domain I will pay homage and leave them a little gift. Maybe a nice turd from Barney.

They'd like that, surely?

"And it's goodnight from him"

A truly sad day indeed with the tragic loss of one of this countries classic comedians.

Tommy Cooper, Eric Morecombe and now Ronnie Barker. Nearly all the great comedians of my youth and beyond have shuffled off their mortal coils.

The sad thing is, I can not see anybody who has the genius to fill their boots.

R.I.P. Ronnie.

You gave me many a ch-ch-ch-chuckle.

"One doesn't have to walk through THAT thing, does one?

"Prince Andrew's latest overseas trip almost ground to a halt when he was barred from boarding a flight from Australia to New Zealand because he refused an airport security check."

read more

Oh dear, oh dear.

Here we go again with a certain member of the monarchy thinking he is above such trivia as being scanned just like one of us common oiks.

The indignity of it.

Welcome to the real world Andy.

Nice of you to visit once in a while.

Can it get any worse?

"Prison staff have been told to stop wearing Cross of St George tiepins because they could be "misinterpreted'' as a racist symbol."

read more

It is only a matter of time before they ban football fans chanting "Engerland, Engerland, Engerland,"

The Invisible Man

It was only when I had quaffed my first pint up the pub last night, that I realised that I indeed was The Invisible Man.

No, not the 'slightly opaque man', nor the 'could barely see me man'. I was the actual article.

"How did you discover that" I hear you asking yourselves?

It was quite simple really. The two barmaids and the landlord were chatting away amongst themselves not ten yards away from me, when I proceeded to catch their attention for the filling up of my pint pot with a (hopefully) lovely frothing glass of Courage Best.

One of these bastions of British pub society glanced my way, so I gave her the old raised eyebrows closely followed by a slight raising of my glass. Standard procedure I thought. Shock, horror. I was promptly ignored. I reverted to plan B. "This never fails", I confidently told myself. Carefully selecting a crisp new ( it was still wet...) fiver from my humble wallet, I casually waved it in the general direction of the barmaids. GASP. I was ignored AGAIN. Then and only then did it dawn on me that I was invisible. There could be no other explanation. Only a desperate cry of "OI", provided me with the beer I by now craved.

So next time dear reader that you are in the pub and you feel a presence by your shoulder. Take heart, it's only me gagging for a beer.

Bloody local councils......

Mrs K and I had been looking forward all week to the "Famous Chatham Sunday Market" advertised in our local paper.

This was to be held at the Chatham Dockside Outlet Centre, which opened in May 2003. The former Boiler Shop, a Grade II listed building, has been converted and extended to house over 80 shops selling speciality clothing, luggage and home furnishings from High Street names. 300 jobs have been created in the centre.

Unfortunately, when we arrived there. No market.

The wonderful people at Medway Council had pulled the plug at the last minute.

In the Medway Towns recently we have had French, Italian and a "continental" market held with no problem, but the minute we try to have a local market, bureaucracy steps in.


SEE BLOG TITLE.